some of the things i'm freaking out about...

       so. heh. having trouble starting. still ok, at least physically. the soreness is working its way out, the bruises and scrapes are healing. faster than i expected, actually. the car was totaled, but i knew it would be. trevor is taking me in on monday to pick up the check. it's not a lot, but it'll be a decent down payment. but that's where the other stuff comes in.

       just a bit overwhelmed. i don't know if it was the sort of reevaluation that comes with a close call or simply that i caught sight of an escape hatch -- but my mind won't stop. and now i have a choice. i can plug that insurance check back into a new car, take out a new loan on a new (to me) car and work for the next couple years to pay that off (probably to repeat the same thing over again). or i can take the money and run. the latter is infinitely more appealing. really, infinitely. and there's so much possibility. but it's scary as hell. and it's before the year mark that i was aiming for. keeping my current job and sitting on the cash isn't an option when the area public transit trip planner from my apartment to my current job suggests either a departure time of 11pm the previous evening or a 4-mile walk beginning at 4am to get to the appropriate bus stop. i didn't even try looking at return times. putting that check on the back burner for a bit and getting a new job at a public transit accessible location here in raleigh is somewhat attractive, but then i'm otherwise carless. no, a car isn't necessary, but certainly handy. and it helps with the whole getting a boyfriend thing when not having a car in a smallish city is kinda lame. but, really, i don't want to stay here. i don't. part of me does, sure -- the part that doesn't like change and is at least grudgingly willing to settle, the part that is scared to death of trying to forge a new life. lord knows that was a semi-private little hell i wouldn't mind waiting to experience again. but it might mean going somewhere big where i don't need a car to get around. maybe another shot at finding a place i belong. anyone in a big city know where a guy with an english degree and not much else can get a job?

       any way you crack it, my life was changed on tuesday night. and i wasn't ready for it. whatever i do, i have to decide soon. trevor's help with rides won't last forever. and the end of a year is one of the better times to get a car if i give in and decide to do that. oy. just oy. i've been obsessing about this all day. really, i've thought of nothing else except during dinner when i watched half an episode of torchwood, and i'm no closer to a solution. what do you guys think?