what's past is prologue...

       so this could easily be my last post here. it's a weird feeling -- with nearly a decade spent in xangaland, this little blog covers a full third of my life. i went back somewhat arbitrarily and read a few of my older posts -- it kinda floored me how much i've changed over the last ten years. god, i was such a naive little dork. haha. it kinda makes me wonder what i'll say when i look back after another ten years, then i realize that that thought has always been a source of hope for me. i could never have predicted back on 12/07/2003 the paths the next decade would take me, but i like the fact that my sense of adventure has remained constant. my beliefs have shaken and shifted tremendously, but i've always found some small measure of hope in the unknown. mingled with fear, sure, but where's the fun if it's not a little scary?

       so what's left here, what will likely be shut down in another month, is a rather emotional account of my twenties. emotional, of course, because writing and music have always been my greatest releases, so you've always had to bear the brunt of it. my twenties weren't quite roaring, but i don't think anyone would argue if i called them tempestuous. and i think i'm finally starting to grow up a little. i'm not nearly the whiny bitch that i used to be. or at least not as much the whiny part.

       it feels very much like moving out of an old house that you've poured so many memories into. i have had the odd pleasure of creating a digital home here, complete with a very real family, and i can still feel the spaces where i felt like this was the only place that i did belong. like walking into a black room and being at peace with the darkness because you knew the space so well you didn't need a light. i don't think i ever took the time before now to reflect on how profoundly many of you have changed my life.

       i'm happy that i'm already connected with several of you on facebook, but if we aren't yet, please feel free.

       and i'll definitely miss being kween. no, i've hardly done a thing with it for ages, but it was so much fun writing those little challenges and reading everyone's responses. i was only there for about 3.5 years, and i am so glad that garett asked me to do it. god, i miss him. and i'm starting to feel way too sentimental with this. i'll not even mention the, what, five other semi-secret xanga sites i've had over the years. one with terrible stories. one with a workout journal. haha. one with sermons that i preached back when i did that sort of thing. and there were others, but i can't even remember them off the top of my head.

       getting ready now at work for the end of one school year and the beginning of another. it's crazy time since we have zero break between the two. scheduling med students and getting grant requests ready and worrying about orientation for the new residents and making sure everything's in place for the senior residents' graduation. their final evaluations are on wednesday, meaning tomorrow is going to be slammed and i should get to bed or i'll be dragging all day, but i don't really want to stop typing because then that will be it and xanga will be no more. and even if they do save it i think this is probably the right time for me to bow out anyway. it's time to move on.

       i love you all; you've been amazing. but i'm not breaking my staff or drowning my books just yet. i've decided to set up a proper website, complete with my own domain name. i'm still entertaining ideas on the latter. and yes, this means i'll have to write.

       laters.

my xanga biography...

This post was inspired by bella_esperanza, by way of TheTheologiansCafe.

Xanga Username: mercurialmusic (had a girlfriend at the time who was mercurialpoet, mercurial meaning "unpredictably changeable," and at the time I was a music minor on a rather large music scholarship for voice). I also have accounts under the names ad_lucem ("to the light"), used primarily for random churchy stuff (back when I was more involved in such things); tenebra_ruo ("the fall of darkness"), where I've posted my short stories, poems, and chapters of my book (currently all privated, I think, but I'm seriously considering a comeback); and nonne_macescis ("have you lost weight?" -- i think), a now defunct fitlog that I used back when I had a body -- definitely need to start that one up again.

Xanga Birthdate: 7th December 2003 for this one, 27th December 2004 for ad_lucem, 6th December 2005 for tenebra_ruo, and 6th March 2006 for nonne_macescis. What's with all the Decembers?

Xanga "Statuses": I'm just a regular old "Premium." Made a lot of progress recently towards "True" status, though. Haha.

Xanga Profile Picture: I think the default right now is of me in a skull cap, taken about two years ago in winter, in my room, before I had my little episode and gained 40 pounds (I only had 25 to go, but the holidays set me back 5 now -- I gain and lose weight fairly quickly when I really work at it). Most people thought I was spinning in a chair, but I just used a basic photo editor and blurred the edges. Haha. I have several profile pics but I only rotate through a few, the others being a picture I took of my keyboard, solarized, with "mercurialmusic" embossed in shiny white letters on the A♯/B♭, and the other most common is of me sitting at my desk, bookshelf in the background, with a "chalk effect" to make it blurry because, let's face it, with my face I need it. All are in black and white because with my face I need it. Hey, just being honest. Except you do miss out on my eyes. They're the only thing I really like about me, green, blue, and yellow.

First Xanga Friend: I subscribed to the first Xanga blog I ever visited, which was Nanny, but my second subscription and the first xanga friend that I had any real interaction with was Jyoseph (now at his own domain here). Man, those were the days. He had the Best. Site. Ever. No joke. Remember the old NES control pad navigation complete with sound effects? Awesome. He lives about two hours from me, I've visited his city (St. Louis) many times, but alas, we never did meet.

Subsequent Xanga Friends: Other than my friends IRL, the next were YouWantMyPhoneNumberSoBad, TJThunderball, and the_greatest_pip (well, technically I discovered Handi_411 first, but Matt's the one I became friends with).

Xanga BFFs: There have been several over the years that could fit in this category, but the closest and most enduring would probably be moss_icon, the_greatest_pip, and YouWantMyPhoneNumberSoBad.

Xanga Family: It's a shame (and somewhat a relief), but to my knowledge none of my family members are Xangans. If you're reading this, though, you are my Xanga family.

Other Xanga Pals: Everyone else!

Xanga Likes: I've met some truly amazing people here, not the least of which are the three mentioned under "Xanga BFFs." It's also opened me up to some very ...erm... interesting perspectives. Xanga has been my support group, my shoulder to cry on, my friends to laugh with, a portal of some pretty fantastic conversations/discussions/debates/thought-provoking ideas. I can come here and be myself (ironically). I really do love this place.

Xanga Dislikes: Kinda sad that few (if any) of my real-life friends are on Xanga anymore. Not a fan of all the drama, but sometimes it's good for a laugh. And I hate that Xanga isn't very Firefox friendly. Psh.

Official Xanga Achievements: Absolutely none. I've never been featured, I don't think I've ever received more than 10 unique comments on a post (and that's a stretch), and I've never been recommended (to my knowledge).

Unofficial Xanga Achievements: I think I was first commentor once on TheTheologiansCafe. Haha.

Recommending Habit: I've only recently started using recommendations, but I'll recommend posts that I think are particularly well-written or that have some significance or that would hold wide-spread interest.

Commenting Habit: I'm horrible about commenting. Getting better, though. I'll always carefully read the posts of my close friends and I'll often peruse the featured blogs and of course my subscriptions (but I'm subscribed to a lot of people), but if you get a comment from me you should feel pretty special. Or something. I dunno. I don't always have intelligent things to say. Not that my comments are intelligent.

Timestamping: I've done a few times, but never for the sake of getting pushed to the tops of lists. My blog is more like a journal or diary, so I generally try to preserve the original posts. Perhaps if I have something I'd want people to read I should do it more often? Don't usually have those, though.

Protected Posting: I used to do it quite a bit, but I've stopped caring as much. I would usually protect posts from the people I know in real life, but since they're generally not around anymore (and anyway they've all realized by now that I'm uber-emo) it doesn't matter as much. The posts on tenebra_ruo will always be protected, though.

Xanga Themes: I've had the same basic theme since they went to themes, but I'll change the color scheme with the seasons (more or less). I've been feeling the need for a redesign, though. May or may not happen. My artistic abilities are mostly performance based (acting, music, writing) as opposed to aesthetics (drawing, web-design, etc) so unless I have some help it probably won't happen. 

Xanga Pulse: I rarely post a Pulse. I usually leave these to my Facebook status.

Xanga Plugz: I'm not even sure what that is.

Xanga Hopes: I kinda wish Xanga could be what it used to, back in the glory days of Jyoseph and TJThunderball and the ilk. Lately it seems to be floundering a bit, but I think it'll get back to where it was, where people were more focused on the written word rather than the latest drunken pictures or how many friends or wall-posts someone has. Oh yes, I think we'll get there.

Random Fact: This is the first post I've done in several years that contained capital letters.

Last Words: This was the answer of bella_esperanza, and I thought it fitting so I left it (with some modifications): I love Xanga, no matter how many times I feel like leaving. And real life also comes a-calling. BUT the good friends bring me back. I don't think I could ever leave for good because of them. I may have had rocky moments on here, but Xanga rocks nonetheless.

You should do one of these, too.