more of the same...

       longest i've gone in a while without posting. i wonder if anyone still even checks this. last couple months have been kind of a blur with the rest. things happen, the clocks keep ticking. glad the freaking elections are over. very glad at most of the results. marriage equality in three more states and another struck down an outright ban. and the man who might help make that a little better is back in the oval office. looking at the map, it's kinda funny--if you draw a horizontal line across the middle, all of the states with equality would be north of that line. i'm definitely in the wrong half.

       nothing really exciting happening for me personally. i've otherwise been kind of a lump, increasingly the hermit except for relatively infrequent outings with lance. it's been almost a year with him, for what it is. actually a year a week from tomorrow. work is the same. i was all but promised a promotion, then they gave it to someone else last minute. that sucked. kinda renewed my eagerness to leave, and i told my boss as much. she offered me something else a few days later but it would have been a nightmare so i turned it down. she told me she didn't blame me. still thinking i'll finish my second year there (may 2013) then move on, to what i have no idea. even if i make it to my ideal places, then what? i think it'd be exciting for someone who was more driven and disciplined. i wish i was that. trying to save money at least, and not doing a terrible job of it with what i have, but i'm also starting to want to buy things. like a keyboard. a nice one. like this. i miss it so much. i haven't played properly in 2+ years. i played once about a year ago, drunk, at a friend-of-a-friend's. this song.

       what else. did a month on lumosity.com and got up to the 94th percentile for lumosity users in my age group. whatever that means. also trying to get in some quality livemocha time before my gold key runs out. really stupid, not using that. fortunately it was only $10 (normally $100). no, not writing. even though it's nanowrimo. it's killing me, that. did gym-pact for a while, but glitches were pissing me off. still made all my pacts, though, for about a month. got me back into workout mode, so i did p90x again for a week and haven't done anything now for about two. trying to find the will to keep moving in so many ways. i'll let you know how that goes. anyway. i know you'd love to read more about my exciting life, but it's past time for bed. laters.

rambly and weird...

       what, were you expecting anything else from me? this one gets particularly pointless.

       i'm having one of those "we're all connected" moments that would probably be better explained if i were high. or maybe that's not quite it. i often get this feeling when in crowds of people, like i was tonight. i'm hyper-aware of how ridiculous it is, but i've always had the feeling, ever since i was little, of some responsibility for people, like i'm supposed to find some magical way of making everything better. i don't mean to imply that i have a certain way of doing things and that this way is the right way for everyone. good lord no. i can't even find a "right way" for me. could be my "spread the word" upbringing. or the idealist writer in me. or the fact that i'm such a narcissist.

       i'm home for the weekend and for mother's day. i think ever since i came out my mom has been worried about losing me, so she's been more intent on keeping me close. she hates all the talk of me wanting to move to somewhere like boston or scotland. lord knows neither of those will happen anytime soon anyway. i'd need to write something first. i may have mentioned starting a writing workshop with a friend? hasn't really gotten very far yet, but our next meeting is this sunday night and i was hoping to have a story ready to go. and of course i don't. because i don't write.

       i'm starting to be afraid of how much hope i've invested in the writing thing working out, even in a someday sense. i have no idea what i'd do if it didn't. it just has to. but i'm starting to feel like things are slipping by and i have nothing to show for it.

       i've been exercising more. 33 miles this week, which i'm ashamed to say is the first week since starting six weeks ago that i've achieved my weekly goal of 32 miles (i've averaged about 24). the scales at the plasma center showed me gaining a couple pounds, which is frustrating, but these are also taken in the afternoon after hyper-hydration and a couple meals. but my mom said that i was looking skinnier and she didn't know i've been trying. so that's good, i guess. i don't feel it.

       fell in love with the bbc show "merlin" this week. watched both seasons, impatient for the third. merlin needs to come out to arthur already. i love me some english mythology. and their accents are spectacular. i really want to move there. saw iron man 2 tonight with the 'rents. it was good. and it was all i could do to keep from pointing out that the guy who wrote the screenplay is a fag. i love me some justin theroux. also got tickets to see muse this november. they've never been this far inland (usually keep to the east coast) and i'm super excited. we got floor tickets. had to forgo grocery shopping for a bit to afford them. i need to lose weight anyway. i really need a new job. oh, and i got my gevalia shipment today. paid for that about a month ago so it wasn't an issue here. and it was only $10 for a coffee maker, a pound of pretty darn good coffees, a travel mug, and an insulated serving carafe. now i'm a real writer. i have caffeine.

       why am i struggling so much with church things lately? the question keeps popping up. i need one of those whack-a-mole mallets.

       well, bedtime for me. enough ramblyness. laters.